OLD FARTS'* Adventures: August 2015

On the 20th June 2015 the intrepid Old Farts set off to Scotland on their week long quest to sample single malt scotch whisky in its natural environment.

From their base in Tomintoul (pronounced 'Tom-in-Towel') the Old Farts visited no less than 5 distilleries and became experts on the whisky making process.

In order to capture the memories of the adventure the OF's produced daily bullet points capturing the highlights (and the occasional 'lowlight'). These are reproduced below illustrated with photographs from the trip...

Saturday 20th June:

Last picture seen of the group at Southampton (ever)

David’s so called bacon biscuit
£2.50 for a cup of warm thing on Flybe

Where’s the Dolly Birds?
Good grief! a Pompey fan..hold Mike back!
Great crash landing pilot!
Surely this is not our car!
I cannot believe this sat nav!
Blair Atholl distillery- oh no! its Bells..
Glyn..get back into the car..stop taking pictures of snow in June
Free parking at Pitlochry..robbing the ticket machine Mike..your sins will find you out..£1.20!
Red wine and ice cream!
There is a Smith tartan…and a McGill tie..but £12.50 for a Scot is too much! (And a Yorkshireman)
Where is my bed linin?
We only came in for a pint of milk!
I can’t get Mike out of The Whisky Castle
How much is that 105 litre bottle of whisky?
Ye canna have dinner til the coach party’s gone
The coach party have eaten all the mushrooms
I don’t drink whisky – is that my fourth?
Don’t stand in the road – a car might come.
Untitled – ‘I can’t turn the subtitles off!’

Sunday 21st June:
The longest day. (In many ways)
Oh my head.
Another cup of tea Mike?
Give me my hot water and apple..I canna move without them.
Morning Vicar
Another cup of tea Mike?
Oh, the sun has come out..quickly get the lotion.
How de yea get the hand brake off?
Be careful Ian, there is only a 100 foot drop and nae fence!
Are we the only English here?
Better class of baked tattie
Where’s me salad (Mike)
I can’t eat all of that (Ian)
You’ve been tangoed.
The special wash backs are made of Origen pine wooooud.
Dinnae touch anything, it will be hot.
Plonker Ian, you should have had the dram, and given it to us.
Oh go on, let’s buy another bottle.
Is there a Pub down here?
What exactly is an ‘experimental farm’?
Is this the way to the seminary Sylvia..(from London)?
Another cup of tea Mike?
Where’s all this money going?..top up the whip!
Let’s take the scenic route only ‘2 minutes’ walk’
More German bikers.
I can’t drink this crap…aaarrgh it’s a chemical beer! (Glyn)
We can float a mashtun around the coast.
Shall we stay and have another one?
Another night cap?
I cannot think why I am feeling a bit leggy, it must be the highland air.
Untitled: I can’t spend two weeks with you Mike, it will kill me (David)

Monday 22nd June:

More tea Mike?
Can I have my hot water a bit hotter please!
Come on Ian..we want our breakfast.
Oh Sh**t..the hotel is not open…oh yes it is.
4 full breakfasts please, but one not quite so full..
Black pooding for the first time. (Glyn)
Its Tomartin..not Tomatin. Tomintowl, not Tomintool.
I do not know any other ‘Hectors’.
Crikey, three samples..oh joy..
Don’t fall into the waskback Mike. This is what we need for the PubShed.
Can I get into that trench please..it’s only full of whiskey. Hold on to Mike!
It’s ok I can’t drink tea after 12.00.
Tomartin 1967 special..can we try some!
Original Distillery..no polish. Just like us!
How’s the kitty doing?
Follow that tanker.
Come on Mike we will miss the ‘Nellie’ tour.
Just what is the summer supposed to be like in Scotland?
Can we get a drink on board the tour boat?
I bet you’re the only scouser on this boat!
Get in the background of this picture..and this one..and this one..and that one..!
Mind yea heed..and yea elbow..back up!
Obvuiosly can we have a picture with you, fine handsome one of Scotland..we luv ze beard!
Three teas and a we dram for the return trip please..Macallan drunk on Loch Ness..Heaven! (more from the kitty)
Shall we take the scenic route?
Is this still the same lock?
I am not paying to get my own money out of this bank!
Now that’s what you call a salad! Can I have a bigger plate please.
Haggis to go with my black pooding day!
Do you want the crumble to go with that pint?
4 guys on a fishing trip, have only made it to the pub so far..
Let’s see the mountains, there are one or two to see..
Ouch, deer oh deer!
That’s my excess gone.
I know a short cut.
Go across the moor, I want to ‘hear’ Scotland.
Where exactly is everybody?
Shall we have another night cap? (Because we can!)
Untitled: It’s only us, and a load of bloody foreigners

Tuesday 23rd June:

More tea Mike?
Get ooot of the cottage you lot, I canna concentrate on ma sermon.
More black poooding.
And another 3 teas Mike.
Mike stay out of the Whisky Castle!
I want to see the river (Mike)
I want to climb the hill (David)
Let’s go this/that/the other way (Glyn)
Look I’m and Engineer..we have to follow the map! (Glyn)
I’m sure it’s down this way
What are those odd things with two legs doing in my garden (Deer and fawn)
I’ve seen a salmon in the wee burn.

There’s a quarry..it built Tomintoul.
There is a bridge! But not the right one.
How can we be on the only road in the highlands?
I don’t want to be in the road kill.
Where’s David?.. I think he has fallen in.
The Germans have taken our classic cars.
How do we get Ian to put the kettle on?
Bloody hell. he’s gone..
Search party for Ian..which pub?
He’s in here..the non-whisky drinker is in the Whisky Castle.
See, it’s who you know.. A private tour of Tomintoul is booked!
Is 4.30 too early for a pint?
Ian’s bought a bottle of whisky…first time ever..
Shall we have another one?
Are we eating?
I’m busy, ring back later (Karen)
It was four miles..I’m telling you..not 3.6..
¼ mile here…see .3 on the map..
We paying the Whisky Castle man too much, he’s followed us in for dinner,with the family..Oh no not you lot again!
David (Laird of the Manor)..Blimey he’s got a flower in his tea!
Mike…pudding or whisky? Daft question really.
How’s the kitty doing?
Anyone fancy another nightcap at the Avon?
Nae I’m too full…(Mine’s a pint, Mike…I’ll have a whisky..Ian..Nellie for Lord David and navigator Glyn)
Shall we walk quietly back now?
Turn those troosers down Mike.
Another whisky anyone?
Untitled: Walking, Words and Whisky.

Wednesday 24th June:

I don’t like whisky, I don’t know why I’ve come..what was the fourth one I had? (Ian)
Mike..any more tea left?
Now this is real music..1980’s..(Ian)
What is this crap? (Glyn/Mike/David)
We had better get some fruit.
How’s the kitty?
I reckon there is a sign for a café..but it’s not promising.
Mike, there is about two years work decorating here.
De yea want a tab set up..? first one ever in a café.
More tea Mike..Red and white pots.
It’s been in the family business 45 years + and we havnae had to apply any paint at all!
Last of the summer wine visits the north Scotland coast.. (Compo..Mike; Cleggy..Ian; Foggy…David; Wesley…Glyn)
Put the towels down somewhere to reserve our spot on this 7 mile long beach, with not a sole on it..
We’ve touched the North Sea.
The all-purpose Scottish headgear..Keeps the sun off (what sun?)..and keeps you warm..(Required in June)
I don’t want to be late..It’s The Macallen tour..Mike.
Look another distillery..and another one..and another one.
Mike they knew you were coming.
1957 vintage..50 mils..£1,100..Mike has just wobbled!
Bloody hell it’s hot in here.
No dead sheep in here.
Glyn’s Frankenstein finger..canna reach the spirit.
Lots and lots of wooooud.
I’m not here for the whiskey tasting…oh go on then..just the four.
Go on Mike go for the 18 year old one..£150..Sue will never mind..
The Peruvian women has just necked the neat spirit..
What do you think of The Macallen then Mike..? ‘well not bad’
One bottle of the 12 year old please…and an ice cream!
Look another distillery..and another one..and another one..
Oh look, it’s just us (And Tom) in the Brew Dog,,again.
Shall we chance the Richmond again..famous for its hospitality and sumptuous décor..but with ‘an expert in whisky’..Just as well for the food was chancy..(Do smile please! We can set up some customer facing interaction training!)
That 18 year old Glenfidich..can I have one…please..only £6.00 a dram!
Look it’s only us again..4 Englishmen keeping the whole of Tomintoul in business this week.
Fancy a night cap?
Untitled: Are you on Facebook Mike?

Thursday 25th June:

Quick the suns come out!..oh no it’s gone again!
I’m in this re-occurring nightmare…stuck in a cottage in the Scottish highlands with 3 pissheads..and I canna escape..
Tea Mike?
Oh that will be Avis calling..
What car do you have sir..it is one of ours isn’t it?
Cough Mike…please!
3.1 breakfasts to pay for..
Blimey they’re serving lunch already.
A garden railway in Tomintoul!
Hellooo; I’m Tom, in Towel!
You’ll nae find polished stills here!
Take photos everywhere, but did’nae touch the stills.
‘Blending for profit; Single Malts for reputation’.
‘We did’nae advertise…we are the Rolls Royce of Distilleries’.
It’s a Guinness record, but it will not be in the Guinness book of records.. (Bottle in the Whiskey Castle)
Time for the exam..
Triples all round. Don’t spill any Tom.
A cup of tea!
Crikey we canna get ooot!
4 hours on a whiskey tour…
Suppose we better get to the Whiskey Castle then..
I think we just need to taste a few more.
Mike, just sold his first bottle to the next customer..
We’re stuck in this re-occurring nightmare where 4 pissheeds from England keep coming into our shop and tasting all our stock..(Owners of the Whiskey Castle)
Come on Mike..we need to get to the Happy Hadoc..
So that will be 3 fushhh supus then!
Where are the cutlery and plates?..(first in cottage meal)
Straws with yer beers then?
You’ll be playing skittles with these bottles lads.
Crikey, where did all these people come from…some youths!
BBC really do churn out some crap programmes don’t they.
Mike’s having a dram..
It’s still light at 11.30..and it’s still raining..

Untitled: It’s a 14 dram day then.

Friday 26th June:

Mike’s having a dram, and it’s not even 10.15 yet!
Not you lot again..! A weekly pass to the Whiskey Castle gents?
Glyn actually purchased something other than whiskey from the shop!
Hurry up…there may be a crush on the train..oh its about 10 of us in total.
You may get a cup of tea in Keith?
Look a brand new Washback..what have you done with the old one?
You canna have all the bake tatties,,weev run oot!
They’ll be no salad lads either.
Oh also the soup..nae more left.
Still please coom again..you’ve had a discount!
Great days at the Cosy Noook in Keith.
Mike, have a word with the Decorators…
Mr shop owner..he not happy..
Is this all of Keith?
He lads..come and see where the Jacobite’s hid under the stone..
‘We’re all socialists’..
Let’s get oot of here..he calling up re-enforcements to get the English oot of Keith..
Just how far is 1/8^th of a mile then?
Quick..a crush on the train again..
They’ll be sheep on the line.
Look Mike, two distilleries 200 yards apart..
Shall we have a we dram ‘before we go out then’?
Mike, you’ve been rumbled about the Tamivoulin..she’s on to us!
There’s a couple from the Good Pub guide in here..
Are sure you want the fish Mike?
Crikey there are young people in Tomintoul?
I suppose we had better drink a few more then.
Just calm down.. We take it all too seriously don’t we..
Glyn, stop watching the telly..
Yes…its 11.30 and we can see the sky at last..
12.00 midnight and still no clouds!
Shall we finish off the Tomatin then?
Untitled: I have never, ever, ever, ever, drunk so much in such a short space of time..but I’m not complaining though..(David)